fringe

i feel alone i feel upset
i cant get hired no matter what
im a pariah in the fringes of society

nobody wants to hear me speak

i feel pathetic grappling at my own shoelaces

its hard finding pt work

nobody is there for me. capitalism is is cold beast  
im expendable theres no room for errors
no space for autistic oitcasts 
no such thing as charity to save me

why do ive to wait until 2022 for a disabiloty raise in bc
it is barbaric and were no different than animals abandoning the weak

why wont the world make room for a spark of empathy 
forcing disableds to work tp survive is impossible and evil
my parents are getting off my back at least 

im too depressed for school. my executive functions are too fucked to write for shit or plan all thanks to my autism. my dad wants to hear none of it

any reminder of my autism makes me not a person but the archetype of failure

how do people have so many talents. i cant edge in a word. the pace of human interaction loterally leaves me speechless.  im just awkwardly standing there seemingly an intruder yet i want to join. i so hate a part of ne thats not me.  my autism is my identity; every synapse in my brain; the structure of my mind.  it is not a parasite gnawing on my insides waiting to burst out to make otherd uncomfortable

i cannot even ask people to understand.  im just here to make money.  my rant is not a ploy for therapy or pity 

ppl are just so bothered and irritable. what lets me survive hurts there feelings

im full of rage being rejected by society

we shouldnt force autists to work
truth is church and another ngo has been welcoming but i hate getting on the bus

my hands feel cold when i got out
i just went from 94 to 96 pounds 
the bus is so unstable and im so rigid about my routine 

i feel overwhelmed 
i know i act like a child 
my parents are so confusing about thursday driving lessons shifting the time 

i hate the bus because im afraid of getting lost. i also hate the feeling of spending money 

i couldnt sleep last few nights because i got shit on so much by the manager who didnt hire me

i just remember freezing at night in a place i dont no where with no signal in steveston.  i am still scared of the dark in the busstop. i waited for hours my phone was dying and i felt alone
i dont trust myself doing anything right 
what if i get raped and mugged

i also love visiting new places but im too scared at the same time

yesterday i accidenyally liked an old classmates photo. i unliked and deleted my fb and my insta

im so scared hell break down my door and rape me