sometimes i feel bad

i feel bad about my looks staring for hours comparing myself to models
wasting time
but im glad i don't have to starve like this guy from Venezuela on reddit



im a healthy body weight

https://www.reddit.com/r/psychology/comments/dc2zgg/many_mental_illnesses_reduce_life_expectancy_more/f2709ev/

I am clinically depressed my whole life. I really consider my self lucky to be now 40 years old and alive because I truly I never thought I was going to live this long. 

I know I can't never have a relationship. That I will never be "normal"and that I am going probably to die sooner (than other people) so I try my best to be clam. To enjoy the things that I like. But basically, beIN a depressed clinically and after of all this years dealing with it I just live every day hoping that it will be my last. 

Also, the economic situation in my country (Venezuela) it's not helping. This year for example I closed my bussines. I am unemployed. And several times this year I been some days without eating and most of the time I been eating really bad. Mostly pasta. Grains. Non protein.  I got a lot of purples (don't know the name in English) in my legs.  A doctor told me that I might be low on nutrients (malnourished?).  Just today for example, I survived for 2 weeks eating only a few tbsp of sugar every time I get hungry and some mustard I have in my fridge. Some salt when I feel legs cramps and a lot of water because I am really hungry. In this 2 weeks I have eaten 1 banana and 1 half sandwich that I share with a relative. Is really hard all of this because I came from a middle class family and now u don't have money for even food or medicines. 

Been right now poor, with not money and not food and in top of that have my problems with depression and anxiety is hell (or more hell). I really think that soon I will die. I just hope I die suddenly and not get a sickness that puts me in bed and to be a burden to my family. 

Depression is really hard and it take the life or the living out of your life.